# Just...D***it Danny!



## Elfen23 (May 3, 2016)

I'm having a really hard time missing Danny. You all knew a side of him so few did. There are so many things I need to do, for me and for him, and yet I'm still stuck crying.

Apologies, but I needed to tell someone, somewhere. I miss playing in the kitchen, and everywhere we went. I miss cooking with him so much. I miss his late night knife tutorials, and surprising me with a freshly honed blade. I miss his giddy grin when he found something he liked, and especially his mischief when he thought of a new project. The man had a keen focus when he wanted, and it was so much fun to watch. I miss our life, our projects, our fun, and all I can say is I want to go home. But, it's not a place. It's him. He was the only place I ever felt safe and at home. 

Just...D***it Danny!!!


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## WildBoar (May 3, 2016)

Danny was very special and touched a lot of people. I can't even imagine the void in your life now that he is gone. Stay strong and keep thinking about all the wonderful times. And cry when you feel the need to cry. I imagine there are a few people on this forum who read your post and choked up too much to be able to respond, but please know you have support here.


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## DeepCSweede (May 3, 2016)

There are definitely some of us that are with you. I was going to make some Venison Sausage last weekend and got really depressed thinking about him and my Dad who passed away last year and decided to hold off a couple more weeks. The main thing I have found is let it out when you need it. Had the same feeling the last day of Turkey Hunting this last weekend too as that was one of my Dad's favorite things to do and just had to let a few tears flow thinking about him.


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## daveb (May 3, 2016)

It is not difficult to imagine that Danny's enthusiasm and generosity here was part of his whole character and I'm guessing he affected all that knew him pretty much the same way.

We're all better for having known him.

Stop and visit anytime.


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## Elfen23 (May 3, 2016)

daveb said:


> It is not difficult to imagine that Danny's enthusiasm and generosity here was part of his whole character and I'm guessing he affected all that knew him pretty much the same way.
> 
> We're all better for having known him.
> 
> Stop and visit anytime.



Thank you!

I lurk regularly. He had started teaching me about Japanese knives long before we lived together. My first night in the house (I stayed with him while I interviewed for a position in town) we stayed up until 3AM drinking beer, with him detailing the differences in the blades, geometry, steels, etc. I remember him handing me knife after knife, while I stood there with my eyes closed, feeling each blade until I could sense where the grind moved. He was giddy when I started getting it "right." 

I took several of the shots from all the bacon, and the Tasso project was a surprise for me. Don't get me wrong, he had been researching and wanting to try it for awhile, but he sent me the picture of the spice tray while I was at work, and when I asked what he was up to, the response was "A Surprise Kitchen Adventure for You!" He refused to tell me what the goal was, even when we finished that night. As I vac'd the bags, I turned around and with no small amount of my own mischief said, "OK, Sir. Time to fess up!! It's time to title the bags!!" He just said, "D***it!! Wait...just label them 'Dardeau.'" He won for that night, then actually told me the next day.  

I got my first Jknife scar standing next to him prepping side-by-side galantine chickens. I'm a former restaurant manager, so my hands are always beat up, but that scar is precious.

Anyway, it's been a very difficult few days. And I know many of you feel the same. So, I figured I'd type some of it out. Try to connect. That's ultimately what Danny would want and I know he would approve


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## Elfen23 (May 3, 2016)

Thanks to all of you!! I feel like I know a lot of the people here, because of conversations Danny and I had about the forum. I heard more about the forum than almost any other aspect of his life, not only because he was compartmentalized, but because this place meant that much to him.


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## Mucho Bocho (May 3, 2016)

Ellen, I was thinking about him today. Sometime when I showed him a new cooking technique or spice, he would get so excited and frustrated at the same time, that he hadn't figured that trick or technique out for himself. I know you were a blessing to him too. His former wife put Danny through hell. He went through some very dark days and you gave him a new focus. 

I got him hooked on the pressure cooker, Sous Vide, Kamado cooker, debuyer, induction cooking... When I use these tools, I don't get depressed, I'm just happy to have been under his sunshine for the short time we had (even though I can hold a tear back saying it). Come to this forum anytime you want to hear a story about him or just need support. Danny is immortal on this forum.


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## Elfen23 (May 3, 2016)

Mucho Bocho said:


> Ellen, I was thinking about him today. Sometime when I showed him a new cooking technique or spice, he would get so excited and frustrated at the same time, that he hadn't figured that trick or technique out for himself. I know you were a blessing to him too. His former wife put Danny through hell. He went through some very dark days and you gave him a new focus.
> 
> I got him hooked on the pressure cooker, Sous Vide, Kamado cooker, debuyer, induction cooking... When I use these tools, I don't get depressed, I'm just happy to have been under his sunshine for the short time we had (even though I can hold a tear back saying it). Come to this forum anytime you want to hear a story about him or just need support. Danny is immortal on this forum.



I am so familiar with that look!  I heard your name often! Generally along the lines of "Mucho has a knack for spending my money, but he's never once steered me wrong!" I'm in the process of trying to reassemble most of the gear. It'll take me some time. 

And, thank you. One of the best compliments he ever gave me was late one night in December. He was processing his past, things from his childhood, things with his ex, etc. We often messaged each other from opposite ends of the house. Anyway, he sent me a message about said processing. I told him that I hoped my presence was helpful for him. His response was:

"Yes. Honestly? Really Honestly?
You are my rock.
You are my index.
My reference." 

I'm not special in this world, I'm just me. I have no idea how I got to play in his world. He was, without reservation, my favorite person on the planet. But, I know we helped each other. We understood one another. And, you were his people. Therefore, you're my people, too.


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## Lucretia (May 3, 2016)

I was thinking about Danny just the other day. Saw a really bad B horror movie, and wished he was there to compare notes.


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## Elfen23 (May 3, 2016)

Heh. Were you the source of Rubber?


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## apicius9 (May 3, 2016)

If you have been here for a while, it's hard not to occasionally think about him. I am sure he would already have chimed in on my 'pantry' thread.

Stefan


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## mr drinky (May 3, 2016)

...and the beautiful thing about a forum is that his threads and comments continue to pop up. You get to remember him; it's his gift to all of us. 

k.


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## brainsausage (May 3, 2016)

mr drinky said:


> ...and the beautiful thing about a forum is that his threads and comments continue to pop up. You get to remember him; it's his gift to all of us.
> 
> k.



So true Karring. I read lots of old threads for a variety of reasons, and whenever I run across Danny's posts it hits me a little hard at first, but then I keep reading and his personality shines through...


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## Elfen23 (May 3, 2016)

brainsausage said:


> So true Karring. I read lots of old threads for a variety of reasons, and whenever I run across Danny's posts it hits me a little hard at first, but then I keep reading and his personality shines through...



Completely true. I will admit to trolling for his posts, just to *hear* his voice. I was shocked a moment ago to see his name pop up at the top of my screen, because a comment had been added to a thread. It's so d*** bittersweet. When we became friends I refrained from joining the forum for a number of reasons. But, I signed up quickly after he passed because I wanted and needed both the information and the connection. I'm grateful I did. I'm grateful you were here for him. That this exists as a hub of knowledge and passion and personality. 

Honestly, my world is pretty bleak without him. I am fighting so hard to live well, the way he showed me was possible. But, it isn't easy. At all.


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## Casaluz (May 4, 2016)

Elfen, I have hesitated to respond to this posts as I was not lucky enough to know him personally, only through his voice here, however, I do know intimately what it feels to go through a loss like yours and wanted to tell you that writing and posting helps. Epistolar communication helps and many here will support you with companionship and thoughts and listening/reading to you. There are no answers as for why, but companionship helps to go through. Write, do not let the silence swallow you. Explore, ask questions, write your opinions and your thoughts. We look forward to reading them


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## toddnmd (May 4, 2016)

Elfen, nice to see you on here. I never had the pleasure of meeting Danny in person, but he certainly made his impact on me through this forum. It's quite nice to see all the mutual support and appreciation expressed in this thread (and others). 
I hope you will continue to have (at least) a somewhat regular presence on here, as I think it helps many to maintain the connection to and memory of Danny, and your sharing helps others to better understand their past and continuing connections to him.
Take care of yourself, and keep Danny with you, even if that means painful grief and sadness at times. That is one of the inevitable results of loving someone.


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## nwdel (May 4, 2016)

Thanks for the post Elfen, it's always so positive and inspiring to think about Danny, which is just about every time I go to KKF and every time I step out my door.


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## Elfen23 (May 4, 2016)

Thank you all so much. Some days are harder than others, and I imagine that will be the case from now on. Danny never quite believed me when I told him he was well loved and respected. He just couldn't understand why :scratchhead: He understood in his professional life, but he had a difficult time believing the good stuff personally. Early in our friendship he would try and fight me about it, but luckily started to see the light! I often called him my "brilliant idiot", and I'm fairly certain is was a conversation about how people responded to him that prompted it the first time.

It is both humbling and fantastic to participate with others here. Whether I'm lurking for info, and especially now that I jumped out here with this, I'm a lucky girl. Even through the pain, there is light. Danny left me a path. I'm choosing to follow it as well as I can, for both of us.


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## Lucretia (May 4, 2016)

Elfen23 said:


> Heh. Were you the source of Rubber?



No, but now I have to track it down and watch it!

I hope he got to see "Sharktopus". A great bad movie--far superior to "Sharknado".


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## Elfen23 (May 4, 2016)

Lucretia said:


> No, but now I have to track it down and watch it!
> 
> I hope he got to see "Sharktopus". A great bad movie--far superior to "Sharknado".



Ha!! I honestly thought you were the reason he found that movie. That's how I knew you existed!! I'm trying to remember the last one he kept going on about...but I don't think it was Sharktopus... My brain is still broken a lot of the time, but it will come to me  

Be prepared for Rubber. So wonderfully strange!!


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## Elfen23 (May 6, 2016)

I just wanted to say - "Thanks y'all!!!"

What started out as a very difficult week has turned around. You all have helped me tap into a bit of strength, and given me much to look forward to. It shouldn't go unnoticed! For those that took the time to read, and especially to those who commented, my deepest thanks. There's a block party tonight, and I'll see neighbors I haven't seen since before the world turned upside down. I'm in a much better place to handle that today.

Following the path left for me, one day at a time.


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## Casaluz (May 7, 2016)

Have fum at the party. You know what might be interesting? if you have not done so already, start experimenting with sharpening your knives on stones and then offer your neighbors and friends to sharpen their knives for them while visiting and chatting... you might be surprised about how many things it will bring to you... and write, write, share, chat


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## Elfen23 (May 7, 2016)

I have ZERO experience sharpening. I wouldn't risk someone else's knives, even if they aren't particularly 'good' knives.

Long story, but I was able to get a couple of Danny's stones...but I don't know if they are the natural or synthetic. I didn't get the base. I don't have a way to flatten them yet. The knives I would use to practice are in storage.

In other words...it's not time for that step. Some day. It's on the path, just a bit further ahead [emoji4]


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## MontezumaBoy (May 8, 2016)

All in good time Elfen23! But when (if) you do want to follow the "video" road - one that is very well travelled by so many here thanks to Mr. Jon Broida of JKI (just look down the forum page) here is his link to make it easy ...

https://www.japaneseknifeimports.com/blogs/media

I really, really can't say more about him, his lovely family, great business and what he brings to the table for everything J-knives and, of course, sharpening.

Take care, and again, all in good time!

Tom


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## Elfen23 (May 8, 2016)

MontezumaBoy said:


> All in good time Elfen23! But when (if) you do want to follow the "video" road - one that is very well travelled by so many here thanks to Mr. Jon Broida of JKI (just look down the forum page) here is his link to make it easy ...
> 
> https://www.japaneseknifeimports.com/blogs/media
> 
> ...



Thank you! And, I'm aware of Jon, and his videos. I've watched a bit, need to watch MORE!! Then ask silly questions, and practice. All part of the path I'm so lucky to have.


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## Elfen23 (May 8, 2016)

I should admit I stalk japaneseknifeimports daily. [emoji4]

My wish list is ridiculous.


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## daveb (May 8, 2016)

I just call it Mecca...


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## toddnmd (May 9, 2016)

Elfen23 said:


> I should admit I stalk japaneseknifeimports daily. [emoji4]
> 
> My wish list is ridiculous.



You mean you want one of every single knife offered? I guess that would be ridiculous. ;-)


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## Elfen23 (May 9, 2016)

daveb said:


> I just call it Mecca...



Definitely pilgrimage worthy.


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## Elfen23 (May 9, 2016)

toddnmd said:


> You mean you want one of every single knife offered? I guess that would be ridiculous. ;-)



One of each leaves no room for backups, Sir. When I'm ridiculous, I mean it!! :tease:


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## Elfen23 (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm still saying the same thing, and I probably will forever. Just...****it Danny!!! 

I survived his birthday last week. I didn't know what to do with myself, but I managed to live life that day, and realized in the evening that it was a beautiful way to honor the man I admired more than anyone. 

I'm still plodding forward, although I think my brain actually started working again about 2 weeks ago. I'm starting to think about and plan for my own place again (I've been living with friends), and rather than gutting me as it did early on, I can now look forward to it. 

I've started playing a bit more in the kitchen again, and that is the primary reason and requirement I have for my future space 

Most of the friends we knew together barely knew me, and so they are all fairly silent. People are often ill equipped to deal with a grieving person. While that is difficult, I understand and am trying to build a local community for myself. 

I'm still lurking, and learning. But teaching myself isn't nearly as fun as learning from Danny. I do know that I'm going to have to jump out soon, and start the sharpening journey. I have to be able to care for the best tools I own. 

I'm not sure why I'm writing this here today. Except that I miss him. I miss everything. In the past I got through many trials and traumas with the belief that 'the best was yet to come.' I can't believe that anymore. My time with Danny was the best of my life. That's not a cry for help, just a statement of fact. I know I will laugh, and even find a kind of happiness. Time will take care of much of it, effort and an inherently positive personality will fill in the rest. But, it will never be the same. Life breaks us all, in our own ways. I will put my pieces back together, a bit everyday. But today I wish he was here to talk. I wish I could tell him an idea for my job. I want his assessment, opinion, and belief in me. 

It's funny; I was good at being alone and on my own. Then Danny showed me...life...and how to live it. And then the jack*** left. When I would tease him about ruining me, this is not what I meant!

Thanks for giving me a place to ramble. I still want to go home, but in the meantime, cheers to all of you and most especially Danny!


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## nwdel (Jun 23, 2016)

I apologize in advance for armchair psychologizing, anniversaries are tough but this seems like healthy, positive grieving and that you'll go on to have the same positive, wonderful impact in other's lives that Danny had in yours and happiness will follow. We are all better for having known him, you most of all.


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## Elfen23 (Jun 24, 2016)

I can only hope to have a similar effect on others as he did. While we were very similar, he was so much better at so many things, including how he interacted with others, and the energy and efficiency he devoted to communicating well to make the most of everything.

And, I hope I'm going through grief positively. Thank you for saying so. Danny often told me, "time will do what time does." It will through this, too.


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## Don Nguyen (Jun 29, 2016)

I've been in a reminiscing mood these past couple days, and yep. I miss Danny. I miss him a lot.


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## Elfen23 (Aug 16, 2016)

And then today, after repeatedly searching, the internet FINALLY spits out a piece of equipment I have searched for since just after he passed, and had given up on finding. (That's saying something as I have solid google fu) It was at once both devastating and uplifting. It's nothing fancy, or even especially good. We had talked frequently about replacing/upgrading. But, I can see his hands in use. The tiniest details. 

When I order, as inevitably I will, I know that it ultimately doesn't mean anything. It won't be his, or ours. He won't show up to use it. But, perhaps, I can both remember and create new experiences, and if I'm very lucky find some joy in the process.


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## WildBoar (Aug 16, 2016)

Great to hear from you again. It will be yours, but with a piece of him attached for encouragement.


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## Elfen23 (Aug 16, 2016)

WildBoar said:


> Great to hear from you again. It will be yours, but with a piece of him attached for encouragement.



Here's hoping. Prioritizing the things I hope to recreate is part of the process of simply missing him, I suppose. He cared nothing about status or status symbols, but had a great appreciation of tools to make any process more enjoyable. I'll find my way through.

I check in often, but I don't have enough knowledge to post on most topics here, and I'm not yet active enough in the kitchen again to have created my own questions (especially that haven't been covered on here SOMEWHERE) In the meantime I lurk, read, try to make at least some of it make sense, and work towards being back in a kitchen where I can DO THINGS! 

And honestly, some days immersing myself in knife stuff simply hurts too much. It's a process. As is life for us all.


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## Elfen23 (Oct 20, 2016)

Today feels like a good day for an update. The title of the thread is still true, and still comes out of my mouth daily. There are moments when it feels like he is being ripped out of each cell of my body, and I hate the universe and all the gods I may or may not believe in for whatever part they played in taking him away.

Yet, I'm still here. With each rip I do my best to patch up the hole. I'm in my own little apartment again. Oddly, it's a place on our street, but it's mine. Bittersweet progress. It showed up at the right time, and was the bite of life I could take and not choke.

I am finally cooking regularly again. Enjoying the process, pushing myself to be adventurous, and quiet the perfectionist in my head. Danny did that better than anyone, and I go back to things he said to help me push myself and enjoy the outcomes, whether they are the exact intention I began with or not. Using my knives is a pleasure again, and I'm learning as I go as we all do.

Anyway. I wanted to provide a snapshot of my grief in progress. I know many here miss him. I do, too, and this is a safe place to share. If any of you have stories, and feel so inclined, please feel free to share them or message me. He is still my favorite puzzle, and I'm amazed at what I continue to learn about where certain ideas and values he held close originated. 

Thanks for existing, and being kind along the way.


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## nwdel (Oct 21, 2016)

So what are you cooking? I could use some inspiration as I'm sure my family will attest.


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## Elfen23 (Oct 22, 2016)

Mostly, I'm just sticking to standard fare. 

But, I've been experimenting with some Indian food, and my own spin on Asian flavors. I don't have a ton of time these days, and it's just me, so project cooking is still a little further on the path.

Recently I made some date and walnut burfi, and masala peanuts for a friend passing through. Both are ridiculously easy and tasty and snacks [emoji106]


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