# Share your 'Dad Jokes' thread



## ch_br (Sep 24, 2022)

With every dad joke there are eye rolls, chuckles, and potentially embarrassed family members... 

Even though corny, some are still damn funny. That's the beauty of 'em.

I figured this would be a good "safe space" for anyone to get a dad joke (or 3) out of their system. No judgment, just a place where people can appreciate.

You don't have to be a dad to share here...

If you know one that fits the bill please share it for everyone... Good, bad, whatever, just let em fly people..

_*C'mon you know you wanna share the best or worst dad jokes you've heard...*_


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## ch_br (Sep 24, 2022)

I'll start,

I don't trust those trees,

They seem kind of shady...


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## parbaked (Sep 24, 2022)

Did you hear about the Native American who drank too much ice tea?

He drowned in his teepee…


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## ch_br (Sep 24, 2022)

If a child refuses to take a nap during nap time..

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?


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## M1k3 (Sep 24, 2022)

"Excuse me! My soup is cold."

"It's Gazpacho."

"Excuse me Gazpacho. My soup is cold."


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## nakiriknaifuwaifu (Sep 24, 2022)

Two blondes walked into a bar...


You'd think one of them would've seen it


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## bahamaroot (Sep 25, 2022)

Why don't dinosaurs talk?


Because they’re dead.


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## WifeNotUnderstand (Sep 25, 2022)

why do dogs float?


because they are good buoys


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## Migraine (Sep 25, 2022)

Whenever we make pizzas and my wife is adding mushrooms, I always say:

"Don't put too many of those on or you won't have MUSHROOM for anything else!".


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## Carl Kotte (Sep 25, 2022)




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## Gregmega (Sep 25, 2022)

A photon walks into a hotel after a long trip and checks in to the reception. Upon receiving his key, a bellhop walks up and asks he he has any luggage to take to his room, to which try photon responds, ‘No thank you sir, I’m traveling light’.


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## Borealhiker (Sep 25, 2022)

ch_br said:


> With every dad joke there are eye rolls, chuckles, and potentially embarrassed family members...
> 
> Even though corny, some are still damn funny. That's the beauty of 'em.
> 
> ...


Which days are the strongest?….. Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


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## Borealhiker (Sep 25, 2022)

ch_br said:


> With every dad joke there are eye rolls, chuckles, and potentially embarrassed family members...
> 
> Even though corny, some are still damn funny. That's the beauty of 'em.
> 
> ...


Two guys walked into a bar…….the third guy ducked…..omg  I’ve got more but let’s stop here.


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## Borealhiker (Sep 25, 2022)

ch_br said:


> With every dad joke there are eye rolls, chuckles, and potentially embarrassed family members...
> 
> Even though corny, some are still damn funny. That's the beauty of 'em.
> 
> ...


Nah let’s keep going……What did Delaware? Her New Jersey.  What did Tennessee? Same thing Arkansas🫠…..ok enough


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## javi_rome (Sep 25, 2022)




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## esoo (Sep 25, 2022)

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a poor view, so he stands up on a large wood box and calls out "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."


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## esoo (Sep 25, 2022)

people have been stealing the wheels off of parked police cars.

cops are working tirelessly to find the culprits.


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## esoo (Sep 25, 2022)

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, 500 in roman numerals.

IM LIVID.


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## esoo (Sep 25, 2022)

To drive an electric vehicle, do you need a current license?


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## RonB (Sep 25, 2022)

What's the scariest plant in the world?

BamBOO!


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## Sushiman703 (Sep 25, 2022)

You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish


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## swarfrat (Sep 26, 2022)

Gregmega said:


> A photon walks into a hotel after a long trip and checks in to the reception. Upon receiving his key, a bellhop walks up and asks he he has any luggage to take to his room, to which try photon responds, ‘No thank you sir, I’m traveling light’.


Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street,

first atom: omg, I've lost an electron!

second atom: are you sure?

first atom: I'm positive!


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## TheGreek (Sep 26, 2022)

Did I ever tell you guys about the time I dated a woman with a wooden leg?

It was all good, but then I had to break it off. . .


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## TheGreek (Sep 26, 2022)

I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex. He's a small arms dealer. . .


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## Gregmega (Sep 26, 2022)

swarfrat said:


> Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street,
> 
> first atom: omg, I've lost an electron!
> 
> ...


So the photon went down to the hotel bar for a bite to eat and sat next to a neutron where they kicked off for the evening. The neutron was getting tired and asked the bartender for his tab, to which the bartender said- ‘for you, sir- no charge…’


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## wabi (Sep 26, 2022)

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender looks up at him and says: "Why the long face?"

Dog walks into a bar with a bandage on one leg. Bartender looks down at him and says.."Can I help you?" Dog looks up at the bartender and says..."I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw."


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## TheGreek (Sep 26, 2022)

Someone broke into the police station and stole all of their toilets. 

Police have nothing to go on. . .


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## Lars (Sep 27, 2022)

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3:20 this morning. 
Luckily I was up listening to some loud music!
He shouted "Can I have a little respect?"
I said "Well, I'm not a big fan of Aretha, but ok, this one's for you!"


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## mengwong (Sep 27, 2022)

Xunzi said:


> The only time I add oil to pasta is if I cook too much and save for the next day



If you’re going to eat it tomorrow, you’re not making pasta… you’re making futura!


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## chefwp (Sep 27, 2022)

mengwong said:


> If you’re going to eat it tomorrow, you’re not making pasta… you’re making futura!


Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it!


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## Xunzi (Sep 27, 2022)

mengwong said:


> If you’re going to eat it tomorrow, you’re not making pasta… you’re making futura!



The price of not being presenta-minded.


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## J_Wisdom (Sep 27, 2022)

Guy calls the fire department and says "you have to get here quickly, my house is on fire". They said, how do we get there? He replies what happened to that red truck you use to have?


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## ch_br (Sep 27, 2022)

*What does a nosey pepper do?*

Gets jalapeno business!


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## Xunzi (Sep 27, 2022)

I’m a kleptomaniac. Sometimes when it gets really bad I have to take something for it.


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## bahamaroot (Sep 28, 2022)

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.


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## Dhoff (Sep 28, 2022)

I apologize for this sexist joke. Still funny from an achetype and prejudice view.

"My wife told me to get in touch with my feminine side... So I crashed the car and refused to talk to her the rest of the day for no reason".

Especially funny to me since I've by far made the most damage to our car(s)


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## javi_rome (Sep 28, 2022)

What's green and not very heavy..... light green! 

I'll see my way out


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## JAKsQandBrew (Sep 28, 2022)

Why does the Swedish navy but bar codes on all their ships?

Because they scan-di-navian


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## M1k3 (Sep 28, 2022)

JAKsQandBrew said:


> Why does the Swedish navy but bar codes on all their ships?
> 
> Because they scan-di-navian


@Carl Kotte @RDalman @Björn Birgersson


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## bahamaroot (Sep 28, 2022)

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese


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## ch_br (Sep 28, 2022)

bahamaroot said:


> What do you call cheese that's not yours?
> 
> Nacho cheese



breakin' out the super oldskool


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## chefwp (Sep 28, 2022)

Q: where did the general keep his armies?

A: in his sleavies of course


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## Xunzi (Sep 29, 2022)

Have you heard about the midget fortune teller who is on the run from the police? He’s a small medium at large.


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## ch_br (Sep 29, 2022)

_What's a knife smith's favorite beverage?_

*Tang*


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## r0bz (Sep 30, 2022)

"What happened to the application of the dull knife? *It had been turned down and he simply was not able to make the cut*"

on a more serious note do you think martin knows he's cleaver needs some sharpening?


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## Knivperson (Sep 30, 2022)

There are 10 kinds of people. Those who know binary and those who dont.


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## Knivperson (Sep 30, 2022)

...


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## TheGreek (Sep 30, 2022)

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye, but I had to break up with her. She was seeing someone on the side. . .


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## Xunzi (Oct 1, 2022)

TheGreek said:


> I once dated a girl with a lazy eye, but I had to break up with her. She was seeing someone on the side. . .


Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think you ever saw eye to eye?


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## ch_br (Oct 1, 2022)

*Wanna hear a joke about pizza?*

Never mind, it’s too cheesy.


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## Michi (Oct 2, 2022)

Want to hear a joke about paper?

Never mind, it's tearable.


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## r0bz (Oct 2, 2022)

Michi said:


> Want to hear a joke about paper?
> 
> Never mind, it's tearable.


this one is very good mate


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## agp (Oct 3, 2022)




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## chefwp (Oct 3, 2022)

My dog ate all our scrabble tiles. The next time he goes may spell 'disaster'


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## chefwp (Oct 3, 2022)




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## ch_br (Oct 4, 2022)

*What did the triangle say to the circle?*

Your life has no point!


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## M1k3 (Oct 4, 2022)

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9.


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## ch_br (Oct 6, 2022)

*What do you call a fake noodle?*

An impasta!


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## ch_br (Oct 9, 2022)

*What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?*


You're toast!


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## RonB (Oct 10, 2022)

I went to a haunted bakery yesterday…


That place really gave me the crepes.


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## DamageInc (Oct 10, 2022)

I went to my bosses funeral. I walked up to the casket, kneeled down and whispered "who's thinking outside the box now Gary?"


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## DamageInc (Oct 10, 2022)

When I die, I want to be cremated.

It will be my last chance to have a smoking hot body.


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## chefwp (Oct 10, 2022)

One tectonic plate ground into the other, saying, "sorry, my fault"


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## bahamaroot (Oct 16, 2022)

How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?


With a pumpkin patch.


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## Xunzi (Oct 16, 2022)

What’s the difference between an ostrich?

Both legs are equally long.


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## Michi (Oct 17, 2022)

What's the difference between a crocodile?

The greener, the swim.

PS: Those jokes go back to the seventies, if I remember correctly.


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## Ant4d (Oct 17, 2022)

The Chicken received a life sentence for foul play.


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## TheGreek (Oct 17, 2022)

It takes time for a Dad joke to mature. I mean can you really call it a dad joke until it's full groan?


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## musicman980 (Oct 17, 2022)

Here's a classical music dad joke @Heckel7302 

I don't like the E minor alberti bass, it gives me the e-b-g-b 's.


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## Heckel7302 (Oct 17, 2022)

musicman980 said:


> Here's a classical music dad joke @Heckel7302
> 
> I don't like the E minor alberti bass, it gives me the e-b-g-b 's.


A man after my own heart.


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## bahamaroot (Oct 18, 2022)

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. 

So I packed up my stuff and right!


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## HumbleHomeCook (Oct 20, 2022)

I used to be really addicted to hokey pokey.

But I turned myself around.

And that's what it's all about.


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## HumbleHomeCook (Oct 20, 2022)

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry.


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## HumbleHomeCook (Oct 20, 2022)

Wanna hear a carpentry joke?

Gimme a minute, I'm working on it.


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## HumbleHomeCook (Oct 20, 2022)

How did the hamburger introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.


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## HumbleHomeCook (Oct 20, 2022)

What does a painter do when they're cold?

Put on another coat.


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## HumbleHomeCook (Oct 20, 2022)

Where do pirates get their hooks?

Second hand stores.


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## ch_br (Nov 10, 2022)

*What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?*

"He got the stuffing knocked out of him!"


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## ch_br (Nov 20, 2022)

Thanksgiving (boxing) day edition:

*"What kind of weather does a turkey like?" 
*
Fowl weather.


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## ch_br (Nov 20, 2022)

When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his ashes kept in his favorite beer mug.

... His last wish was to be *Frank* *in* *Stein*.


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## chefwp (Nov 20, 2022)

This is in response to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE!


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## chefwp (Nov 21, 2022)




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## HumbleHomeCook (Nov 21, 2022)

What do cows tell their calves at bedtime?




Dairy tales.


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## bahamaroot (Nov 21, 2022)

*How do you make holy water? *


You boil the hell out of it.


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## bahamaroot (Nov 21, 2022)

*Which knight invented King Arthur's Round Table?*


Sir Cumference


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## bahamaroot (Nov 21, 2022)

*What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?* 


A stick


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## parbaked (Nov 21, 2022)

Here’s a Thanksgiving one…

What did the turkey hen say to her chicks when they misbehaved?

“Your father would turn over in his gravy.”


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## HumbleHomeCook (Dec 7, 2022)

How much does Santa have to pay to park his sleigh?









Nothing. It's on the house.


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## bahamaroot (Dec 13, 2022)

What's Santa's favorite type of music? 






Wrap


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## bahamaroot (Dec 13, 2022)

Which of Santa's reindeer are dinosaurs afraid of? 






Comet


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## mengwong (Jan 6, 2023)

What’s the word for the knife you use to fillet a fish?

Deba

What’s the word for using a deba to fillet a fish?

Deba-butchery

What’s the word for using a deba to fillet a fish to be used in nyotaimori?

Debauchery


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